I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
