are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
