you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
