Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
