At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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