Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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