I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
