PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
