I just saw a hot homeless man
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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