That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
