the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
