I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
