I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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