I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
