WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
