i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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