how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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