i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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