god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
