So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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