I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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