The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
