Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
