The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
