i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
