I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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