I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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