the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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