She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
