I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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