bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I am one with the molecules
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
