Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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