Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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