OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
