and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
