Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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