We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
