Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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