Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
