Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
