and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
