Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
