does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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