i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
