I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
