Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
He passed out mid-signature
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Randomize
