Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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