did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
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you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
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She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.