my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.