We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
