Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
