I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
