you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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