She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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