I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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