connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
