Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
