oh god the rape fog is back!
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
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i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
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He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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