God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
