Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I got chris browned last night
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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