I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Found your dick twin last night
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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